Yeshua whispered in my ear...

I moved back home with my parents. The content of my life was in boxes; Covid threw the world into a frenzy, and I had a one-way ticket to England before heading to the big state of Texas. This was not what I had planned.

By then, at age 29, I thought that if I ever stayed a night in my childhood bedroom again, it would be as a married woman - not a recently single one.

As I lay on my mattress on the floor, my chest physically ached. The guy I loved took my vulnerable heart and crushed it before leaving me with complex PTSD, a healthy dose of 'How can I ever trust a man again?' and shattered dreams. Now, I had to unlearn being a doormat after fighting a destined-to-lose battle for someone who couldn't care less. My body was depleted of serotonin, and I was constantly nauseous, throwing up, and rapidly losing weight and hair.

“If you’re gonna be sad, at least do it with a view”

Exhaustion overtook me as I fell asleep and dreamt I was in the same spot, lying on the mattress on the floor. A small hole, like a portal, appeared in the room. In it, I saw images of beauty and green hills with light, and it was full of love and peace; suddenly, it turned black, chaos ensued, hell broke loose, and I was loveless. This perfectly depicted the timeline of my relationship and the disillusionment of thinking I found my perfect match only to discover it was my worst nightmare come true.

Then I heard Yeshua and the Holy Spirit conversing with each other about me. I couldn't understand what they were saying; I was too distraught to comprehend either way, and then something happened that I couldn't explain theologically, and perhaps to some, it might even sound blasphemous.

I felt Yeshua lay behind me, hold my weak frame, and place His hand on my side; He was so close I could feel his palm and fingers pressed into my rib cage.

Then He put his head next to my ear and whispered:

"I love you because..."

"What?" I replied as I moved my ear closer to Him, thinking perhaps I missed half of his sentence.

"I love you because." He whispered again as I woke up.

You'd be perfectly right to assume I felt 'calm in the storm', the peace of heaven, or a healing touch, but I awoke into the same nightmare, the furrow between my brow growing wrinkle-deep and warm tears streaming down my face. Of all the 171,476 English words in common use, why did Yeshua choose those four words? It didn't bring me comfort; it wasn't telling me the future would be okay, and If anything, I felt like He was teasing me:

"Don't say things like that if I can't feel it..." I pleaded with Him.

After all, I was just promised that kind of savior-like love before I discovered it could be taken away as a form of punishment and deprivation. This was just another 'hope deferred' waiting to happen, and I didn't believe there existed a love so unconditional, and this brutal, betrayal-infused breakup was proof. Over the next few days, as I packed my suitcase, I begged God for comfort as I prepared to start my life over. He offered nothing new, but that soft whisper repeated in my mind. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but I sure was desperate to find out.

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me.

Hello, Texas, and welcome panic attacks, anti-anxiety pills, insomnia, and extreme loneliness. Apart from the great people at the ministry I interned at and a tiny group of friends I knew from Israel, I was pretty much alone all the time.

What's a woman to distract herself with? Hobby Lobby.

Oh yes, the land of the free got one thing right: recreational therapy, shelves upon shelves of creativity, art, and home decor. I washed my eyes with the beauty of aesthetically pleasing stuff I couldn't afford when it caught my eye - a little blackboard-style decoration block that said 'I love you because' with a blank space underneath it.

There it was, taunting me, tempting me to do what I always do: fill in the blank with all the reasons why you should love me, or worse, all the reasons you shouldn't. Damn you, little block. I'll show you!

So I bought it and placed it atop my kitchen counter, fully committed to NOT filling in the blank.

The view from my Tx. apartment

The jokes were on me because it didn't take long before I was tempted to ditch my plan and buy a permanent white marker so my non-existing guests could validate me and I could display irrefutable proof that someone out there thought I was worth loving. Good grief, did I not learn my lessons? There I was, once again, entrusting my value to human judgment.

No, this time, I will break the cycle. If I let it be and resisted the urge for external validation long enough, perhaps at the very least, I could extend a willing and yet guarded handshake to this foreign concept of self-acceptance. 

It gets worse before it gets better

After moving back from the States, life was unkind again.

I watched my Abba suffer a bitter end to 3.5 years of colon cancer, opened a business while struggling with massive brain fog and grief, and went into debt. Along the way, I lost some friends, gained some friends (and some weight), my country was dragged into war, and I moved three times only to find myself back where I started - at my parent's house, sleeping on a mattress on the floor (with the blessed addition of my cat, Buttercup).

IYKYK

Buttercup has been the only man in my life for the last two years. Don’t laugh at me, okay?

Don't be mistaken; these hardships have made me stronger, more mature, self-confident, and loving, alongside the stagnant and unchanging parts of life. Healthy boundaries have been implemented, I’ve worked on my self esteem, and I’m not the person I used to be. Although my Hobby Lobby block has journeyed with me, I'll admit, as a long-time addict of validation, my mind still falls off the bandwagon.

Although Yeshua made it clear that 'I love you because' ended with a period, He never said I couldn't explore its meaning and why the two most important commandments are:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." Deuteronomy 6:5

'...but love your neighbor as yourself." Leviticus 19:18

To say I've become borderline obsessed with understanding what love looks like in a topsy-turvy world would be an understatement. I am searching for truth and nothing but the truth, and so help me, God, I'm going to find it.

If you, like me, want to figure out what God thinks, feels, and means when He blurts out mysteries galore, this blog might be for you. My commitment to you is that I will be as honest as possible - no subject off limits, no thought judged, and in return, I would love for you to join me, quite selfishly, because, on this journey of reclaiming our identities, it's best not to walk alone.

Love you because (or something like that),

Oriel